Welp, this is it. I have come to realize and accept that I...am damaged goods. Change is a regularity of life. Some people stay exactly the same, but most go through different, sometimes several, and profound changes. I have definitely changed, learned, grown and evolved many, many times. The latest, I do not believe is for the better.
A few years ago I was in a down cycle. It happens. But I got through it on a solid upswing. I had grown weary of dating in this town and so resigned myself to myself, focusing on my art, my physical, mental and emotional health. Things were pretty darn good for a long while. Then, after Papa got sick and died, I met the Dr. at the airport coming home. What I thought would be a lifelong relationship, turned out not to be. It ended in May, badly, and really ended in July. In August I began a healing journey. I eliminated all gluten, all yeast, all dairy and all sugar from my diet. I was on a steady exercise regimen and had lost about 20 pounds. Things were great.
At the end of January, my bike went down and is still in pieces, my car broke down several times and finances grew dismal. I have turned more inward, and as of late, have become very lazy, reclusive, unmotivated and succumbed yet again to my deeply seeded emotional issues with food. I am much less tolerant, more angry, have ever increasing difficulty suppressing rage and ultimate despair and have regained weight. I have not been on a single date, let alone so much as embraced a woman, in almost 9 months. I feel as though I cannot really talk to my best friend as they stopped contacting me at one point because they felt I was too heavy and negative all the time, and the next closest friend of 10 years just cursed me out, swore me off and ended our relationship because I have apparently become a complete bastard.
I have been alone for the better part of my life thus far and have gotten on quite well. Only now am I dealing with feelings of loneliness for the first time. It's quite a conundrum really. I long for friendship and companionship and yet I am not suitable for anything as such. And the punchline: that it is, of course, my choice. I am ultimately choosing this state of being. And thus the question becomes not can I change (of course I can) but rather, will I make it happen...
It is often said that your 20's suck and life really begins at 30. I experienced more in my 20's than many only ever dream about their entire lives. Although I realize where the correct path lies, my eyes are fixed on the rear view mirror.
