Suck It!!

Hello Houston? Um, er, uh, hold please...

Well... I am trying. I made plans with a couple of friendly acquaintances, they used to be neighbors, but they had to bail last minute. I then went out tonight to support another friendly acquaintance who was having a charity affair for breast cancer. One woman I dated was there (who I still have the hots for) and another who is a friend of hers. There was live music. I had a couple of Blue Moons with a slice of orange. It was nice. At the end, I got the cold shoulder, big time! I told the gal I used to date that she looked as gorgeous as ever and if she ever wanted to get together, give me a ring. I held my hand out to hold/shake hers, she wouldn't even put out her hand... Brrr. Ah well, fuck her. Who needs that, right?. So I hopped on the Harley and rode back to the hood. Stopped off at a local fill station, had another BM (ha, not that kind of BM!), sang a song for the karaoke machine and headed home. Now I'm home, buzzed, listening to Floyd and writing this garbage. All in all, an interesting night I suppose.

I have been doing my best to not feel angry or rejected or bummed out. I'd say I'm fair to midland. That's all for now. Over and out.

Remember when you were you were young? Shine on...

Sorry sir, we have a strict No Return policy...

Welp, this is it. I have come to realize and accept that I...am damaged goods. Change is a regularity of life. Some people stay exactly the same, but most go through different, sometimes several, and profound changes. I have definitely changed, learned, grown and evolved many, many times. The latest, I do not believe is for the better.

A few years ago I was in a down cycle. It happens. But I got through it on a solid upswing. I had grown weary of dating in this town and so resigned myself to myself, focusing on my art, my physical, mental and emotional health. Things were pretty darn good for a long while. Then, after Papa got sick and died, I met the Dr. at the airport coming home. What I thought would be a lifelong relationship, turned out not to be. It ended in May, badly, and really ended in July. In August I began a healing journey. I eliminated all gluten, all yeast, all dairy and all sugar from my diet. I was on a steady exercise regimen and had lost about 20 pounds. Things were great.

At the end of January, my bike went down and is still in pieces, my car broke down several times and finances grew dismal. I have turned more inward, and as of late, have become very lazy, reclusive, unmotivated and succumbed yet again to my deeply seeded emotional issues with food. I am much less tolerant, more angry, have ever increasing difficulty suppressing rage and ultimate despair and have regained weight. I have not been on a single date, let alone so much as embraced a woman, in almost 9 months. I feel as though I cannot really talk to my best friend as they stopped contacting me at one point because they felt I was too heavy and negative all the time, and the next closest friend of 10 years just cursed me out, swore me off and ended our relationship because I have apparently become a complete bastard.

I have been alone for the better part of my life thus far and have gotten on quite well. Only now am I dealing with feelings of loneliness for the first time. It's quite a conundrum really. I long for friendship and companionship and yet I am not suitable for anything as such. And the punchline: that it is, of course, my choice. I am ultimately choosing this state of being. And thus the question becomes not can I change (of course I can) but rather, will I make it happen...

It is often said that your 20's suck and life really begins at 30. I experienced more in my 20's than many only ever dream about their entire lives. Although I realize where the correct path lies, my eyes are fixed on the rear view mirror.

Krazy idea...

If only there was a glue to fix broken people...

'09 Tally

The new year's first month is officially over! So how does 2009 add up so far?

The Ugly: The marinated tofu I left in the fridge 2 weeks too long

The Bad: My bike is in the shop, my car broke down on the 405 during rush hour and will have to be retired in March, I have all but depleted my savings, I took a spill and bruised (possibly cracked) my ribs.

The Good: I will get my bike back before I have to retire my car, I am still breathing, I had a savings to deplete and I am working.

How's by you?

What's next?...

So what do you give to the first black American President who gave his inaugural speech at the capital that was built by slaves? Why, a Chia head in his likeness of course! Oh boy...

A daliance of Dali...

I have now bore witness to 7 different American Presidents in my life thus far. As never before, this is a very surreal experience. With other Executives-in-Chief who have taken office, they came in, took office, and they were our President(With the exception of G W's first 2 months having been spent on his ranch). While viewing and watching a barrage of various photos and videos of Obama in office, performing his Presidential duties, it just feels, odd...again for lack of another word, surreal.

At times, I am frightened to the brink of tears wondering what's to become of me...what I should do with myself.

Foot Fetish

Fuel for travel to Iraq on Air Force One:
43,787.55 American Taxpayer Dollars

Blue-Grey Oxxford suit for fairwell speech:
14,000 American Taxpayer Dollars

1 pair of leather Iraqi loafers:
41,416.55 Dinars (about 35$)

The look on W's face: Priceless

So if you climb Half Dome twice, do you call it Whole Dome?

Greetings and Salutations! It's been a couple of weeks... sorry to keep all 1 of my readers in the lurch! I have just settled down from a couple of weekends of traveling. I was eagerly awaiting photos from my dear friend Erin and finally got them tonight!

So what's the hub bub, bub? A few weeks ago, Erin called me up out of the blue. I had a hunch something was off as she moved from Santa Monica(20 mins away) to Hermosa Beach(4 mins away) almost 6 months ago and I never heard from her again until now... She had just broken up and needed desperately to get out of LA. "I wanna get into the wilderness and I refuse to do it with anyone but you! I wanna do Half Dome!" For those of you who may not know, Half Dome is a national landmark made famous by the likes of John Muir and Ansel Adams. At almost 9000ft, it is one of the highest peaks in Yosemite National Park in the High Sierras. 3 years ago, I decided that I needed to ring in my 30th birthday by doing something new, adventurous, and completely outrageous. I did a 1 week excursion through Yosemite that took me across over 60 miles of terrain and traversed over 40,000ft in elevation, and all with a 75 pound pack and a pair of Skechers! I hiked Glacier Point, Half Dome, Clouds Rest and then did a white water rafting trip down the Tuolumne River through class V rapids! Just as a guideline, class VI is the highest category and is universally regarded as completely unmanageable by humans.

And off we went! 2 weeks ago we set off on the 4.5 hour drive north. We arrived around 9.30a, obtained our permit for wilderness camping, geared up and were off. We hiked about 20 miles and climbed a total of about 15,000ft! In 2 days!!! Needless to say, I'm not in quite the shape I was 3 years ago. But I managed. 65 pound pack and all. We camped about 2 miles from the base of Half Dome. Now I had been studying the forecasts for about a week and a half precluding our trip. They all said the same thing: highs of 60, lows of 30. No sweat! I have a +30 bag and plenty of layers. Well... leave it to meteorologists to drop the ball, and the temp... It got to -4 at night! It was f*#@ing cold! Erin and I had to squeeze into 1 mummy bag to stay warm. We also had a black bear come through camp looking for food, she kept me up for a while.

There was something profoundly different this time around. When I was up in the atmosphere the first time, I was awe struck at the splendor, however, I think that my sense of accomplishment overshadowed anything else. When I reached the peak this time, I was flooded with such a wave of emotion at the beauty around me, it brought me to tears. And then I instantly felt Papa, right there with me. I was filled with so much joy, comfort, peace... I love you Papa!

As I like to say, it was gorgeous but grueling! I'm glad I did it, and that it was with Erin. It was such a cleansing and life long experience for her and we really got to bond again. If ever you have the gumption, do it! You won't be sorry, I promise! Being surrounded by raw nature this way just feeds you and drives you harder and beyond any limits you think you may have! And the sense of wonder, astonishment, belonging and perspective you will acquire will stay with you for the rest of your life. Still, that week long trip I made is by far one of the greatest experiences of my life and I practically explode when I recount it!

Erin and I in full pack

Half Dome 2005 (Nice legs!)