A lesson in humility

Try as I may to be as conscious an individual as possible and to not judge people or play into stereotypes, I still at times, unaware in the moment, do. Last week when the exterminator came over to tend to my mysterious insect imbroglio, I passed a judgment. He was a tall, husky young man, soft spoken with a weighty presence. I, in hindsight, immediately followed the mental path of: this guy's a blue collar worker, an exterminator, burly, uncaring, trudging along, just makin' a buck, will clod all over my shoeless apartment... I later apologized to the Universe.

Aaron was, is an incredibly sweet and compassionate individual and had a very peaceful energy. He arrived before the manager and so we struck up a conversation. I invited him in and offered him a glass of water. He sat and observed. I began taking my daily morning regimen of herbs and supplements. He inquired about them and of course that brought up my ex girlfriend. She is a doctor of ancient Oriental medicine and herbology and was creating and supplying me with herbal formulas. And this led to a brief explanation of our break up.

Aaron was extremely sympathetic and empathetic. He talked to me of his previous relationship which was also long distance. It ultimately failed. He is currently involved in a 4 year relationship with a woman. He began to speak of how they came to be and how they still are. He said that at some point he sat with her and discussed all of the things that annoyed or bugged him about her, had her do the same and proposed ways to deal with those nuances. I am a firm believer and preacher of open communication. It's a dire necessity in any relationship. Not all people can do it, or do it in a supportive rather than harsh and critical way.

My attention was already deeply entrenched. He then said that people get themselves in trouble when they put themselves before their loved one. "You have to put the other person first. If you put yourself before your partner it just won't work." In the moment, it was profound. It's a notion that I've practiced all my life, however, have never put it into words or conscious thought before. Here was this young, unassuming man before me, awakening such a simple yet universally critical idea.

I later gave this much thought. Now I am one who has sacrificed much of myself for others to the point of infirmity and great malfeasance to my being. For this reason I have slight issue with the idea of always putting someone else before me. We do need to take care of ourselves. There must be a balance; a healthy balance, one that allows us to help and sacrifice a bit, without losing or harming ourselves in the process.

I began overlaying this idea atop my relationship with the Doctor. In the beginning and well into things, I was willing and excited to help her. To be with her. To pack up my life and move across the country. She had 2 practices in NY, I"m an artist. It seemed a no brainer. I was so eager to help her with her business and get her to the place I knew she belonged. While she would constantly throw in the towel due to her insecurities and fears, I forwent the pain it caused me over and again and always talked things out to her, lifted the veil so that she could see that she was valuable and deserving and had nothing to prove. Eventually, I grew weary. The incessant doubts, unsupportive tones and insults ultimately cracked my iron foundation. Suddenly I began thinking about what I wanted or didn't want. I didn't want to move back to NY. I didn't want to leave my beloved California. I didn't want to have to worry about attempting to gain employ in a consistently plunging economy. I didn't want to deal with her 2 dogs and 6 cats. I didn't like pet hair. I didn't want to have to walk them all the time. I didn't like how arrogant she was all of the time or that she never took accountability, et cetera, et cetera. I was putting me first. that's when the relationship began it's decent for me, consciously.

Aaron's wisdom has been both comforting and self assuring for me. I am very pleased we met. We exchanged numbers and I am looking forward to our next conversation.